i have no idea why it took me so long to update.
avoidance, maybe? busyness (is that even a word...?) laziness? all of the above?
i've been in a funk and i'm just starting to see the light.
and its so dumb, and i'm so mad at myself for allowing myself to even feel bad when everything in my life is going so damn good right now.
everything but him.
how does that manage to cancel out everything else? cus honestly, i know he was not worth it. i even think he knew that he was not worth it.
so why the hell do i feel this way?
and objectively, i know that i am not the one who is lacking. i have a really good job. i am in one of the most prestigious programs at the top university in the country. i have the bestest friends in the world, and a very supportive family. i am a very genuine person. i'm smart and i know how to have fun. i am very creative. lol, and i hate to be vain, but i'm pretty cute too ;-). so why, pray tell, was i stressing so long over someone who did not have his shit together?
its weird all the things you can see when you're no longer with someone.
its even weirder how much a person can change once you are with them.
but it makes me think, maybe he didn't change? maybe this is who he always was, and he didn't want me to see it, and i didn't want to see it, so it was easy to turn a blind eye. and its so frustrating because the person i'm "mourning" over is someone who never really existed, so how do you really say goodbye to someone who was never really there to begin with?
i think that's what my friends don't understand. they don't get why i am upset when it was me who wanted to break up. they don't get why i'm upset over losing someone who they thought was a pretty big loser to begin with. but they don't get it. they don't get that when we first started talking, we'd have these amazing conversations about life, religion, family. they didn't know that he used to be a serious student, that he had ambitions and had worries and regrets. they don't get how i'd believe everything he said because they didn't hear him sound so honest and genuine, and i wanted to believe him because the things he was saying, i felt too. they don't get that the guy who got kicked out of school and spends his days getting high, drunk, laid, and arrested isn't the same guy that i used to stay up until 4 in the morning talking to. they don't get it. fuck, i barely get it, and i'm living this shit.
but, the thing is, he's not the same guy. and it took me a long time, but i can see that now. and its slowly making it okay for me to move on now.
i'm terrified of moving on.
Mr.GoodEvening seems nice enough. he's sweet and considerate in a way that S could never be. i know he's the kind of guy that would treat a woman right. and yeah, i admit that looks wise, he's pretty much the type of guy i would have thrown myself at back in the day when i did foolishness like that. and he's so into me, and he's not afraid to let me know it. so why isn't that enough for me? why do i feel like i said yes to our date just because i felt bad about giving him the run-around for so long? why can't i just go with the flow, and enjoy it?
and the fucked up thing is, i'm beginning to believe that what they say is true. you always want what you can't have. god, how big of a bitch must i be if i don't want him just because i know that i already have him? and yeah, it kind of creeps me out sometimes that he's so into me, and calls all the time, but isn't that what i wanted from S? wasn't my biggest problem with him that once we actually got together, he would never do that kind of stuff anymore?
i always said they guys are idiots who just don't understand things. they don't know what they want, and they make our lives a living hell while they try to figure it out. maybe i'm just as bad. because i thought i knew what i wanted, but i have this guy jumping through hoops for me and i'm still not satisfied. and it makes me wonder if i'll ever be satisfied. if it'll ever be enough. if it will ever be the way it was with A again.
but i'm not ready to talk about him yet.
you know what's the worst part? that for about 2 days before S came along, i had finally reached the plateau where i was happy with my life and content to not be in a relationship. it had taken me almost a bloody year and a half to get to that point and it only lasted two days before a dickhead came into my life and started the damn cycle of "togetherness" all over again.
but i want to be happy. i should be happy. i have a very full life.
i don't want a relationship with Mr.GoodEvening. i don't. and he needs to know that.
i think i actually made progress today.
so maybe it will be ok.
i just have to get back to being me.
Sat, Nov. 5th, 2005, 01:45 pm
life is good right now.
school could be better, but for the first time in my 3 years of going to u of t, i feel like i'm actually in the right program and deserve to be there. money could be less tight and i could be getting more osap *sigh*. i could have gotten higher on my accounting midterm and i wish i didn't have to go into work so early tuesday mornings.
but, despite all that, i'm good.
and i don't want to say its because of him. even though i think it is.
so we're together now. that's such a funny word. together. as in, not apart.
and its crazy because two months ago, i didn't even know who he was. and then, just when i seriously gave up the thought of being in a relationship again -like ever- he shows up and we start talking and falling and now....
lol, yeah. i'm giddy. so sue me :)
so its new and a little scary sometimes. but it is what it is. and it makes me happy. happy enough that dealing with the other crap in my life seems tolerable and attainable and no big deal.
and that, my friends, is a little something i like to call progress.
okay, before i say anything else, isn't "everything" by lifehouse the most romantic song, like, ever!!!??? lol, if any song could make me swoon, this would be it. and the line where he says "yeah..." and its all croony and emotional....*sigh*.
*giggles like the school girl she is deep down inside*
that being said.....lets move on.
i've come to the conclusion that i'm a shopaholic and this may very well kill me.
it's true. i was on top of the world two weeks ago with all the b-day money i got. seriously, i had plans! but, less than two weeks later, my cash fund is scarily reaching the nil point and i can't say i got anything that i planned on getting. i'm not usually an impulse shopper...okay, yes, so maybe i am....but, BUT(!) i honestly think i have a problem here and no one is taking me seriously! my tuition is due soon! and i still have to buy books! this is NOT the time to buy frivolous things like copper coloured human-hair extensions! (oh, but they are soooo pretty! and really, once the girl put them in my hair and i saw how good it looked....i just couldn't say no....don't look at me like that...you wouldn't say no either!)
i am hopeless.
but hopeless with a great fall wardrobe *does happy dance*.
and really hot hair extentions. wheeee!
ooh! i lost holiday weight! not all of it, but i've definitely made a start. yay me!
eek, school's starting again next week and i have to start putting things together. i'm really excited because i'm taking this fiction writing workshop thingy as an elective. i have to start putting a portfolio together and it's actually kind of fun going over things that i had written before. i started a new short story too which i think i'll put on fictionpress. i worked a little on the latest chapter of tables turned today....i know what i want to happen but i'm stuck! but yeah....i still have to get books, but i'm in no hurry.
it'll be nice being back in school again. i mean, i'm a little worried since i haven't been there since last december (the summer elective doesn't count....it was the philosophy of sexuality for crying out loud! and besides...that was just ONE course!), but i've missed the whole social vibe of being in university, so that will be cool.
the house is so empty now, for the first time in like MONTHS, no one is staying in the guest bedrooms! don't get me wrong....i love m&m to death and i loved having them here, but sometimes its nice to just...have the house to yourself. alas, all good things must come to an end. my aunt and uncle are coming over to visit tomorrow. i have no idea for how long....maybe a couple of weeks? anyways, hopefully all will be well, and they will spoil me rotten, lol (joking....can't you just tell i'm the youngest child....!?)
oh! Ms.Therapist and the SmokeKing got me an ipod for my birthday!
which brings us to....the boy front.
there is none.
but, for the first time in a LONG time....that's okay. i don't know....i've kinda just stopped looking. like, if it happens it's great, but i'm just not seeking it, you know? it's actually kind of nice. it's like i only have to care about myself and not have to worry about pleasing others, specifically those who possess a y chromosome. it's nice. it's liberating.
for the first time in a long time, i'm actually....(drumroll please......)
what a concept.
i am in such a crappy mood.
there should be laws made against sitting infront of a text book all day. i'm sure it violates at least three of my basic human rights. finals for summer electives should be like illegal or something. bastards!
i got a new cell phone! ;-) it's so pretty! and it does the cool things like take pictures and videos! and the plan i got is so cheap!
but that still doesn't mean i'm in a good mood! i guess it doesn't help that i've been in my (mismatched) pajamas all day and feel really greasy and in need of a shower. but i'm more of a morning and before i go out shower kind of person so i don't know if i'll take one now. but maybe it'll make me feel better?
meh. maybe not.
i hate studying!!!!!!!!! i keep reminding myself that this will all be over after tomorrow and i'll have nothing to worry about for a month until school starts again in mid september. but it's not working!
i hate school.
yeah, so i've goten over it.
over it...HIM to be more precise.
i'm fickle like that....what else is new?
going to new york on friday with M&M. kind of excited but am so broke it's not even funny. got a pretty good deal though...which is not to say that it's cheap but i REFUSE to ask my parents to help me out and am excited to go city hoppin with numba one and numba two diva. but...the couple of hundred really could have come in handy, especially for my b-day shindig, ya know?
speaking of which, i need to lose some weight. as in right now. i hate body issues!!!!!!!!! sometimes it really sucks to be a girl. but then again i wouldn't want to be a boy either...no fun!
i'm procrastinating studying, in case you didn't know.
went club hopping friday night. it was so lame.....why did the clubs all suck? M&M are (were?) club-virgins so me and Ms.Therapist took them out. wish they could have been there for a good night. i promised i'd take them all out again. there's always my birthday, which i am sooo excited about.
which reminds me, i have to book the limo. damn, is two weeks notice not enough time?
i should sooooo be studying right now. i am 5 readings behind and the exam is on thursday. i have a pilates class tomorrow and i wanted to hit the gym to try (hopefully not in vain) to shed the 5+ lbs of holiday/summer weight i have put on. but besides going shoe shopping (which is a pleasure i refuse to give up on given the fact that my current income allows me so few pleasures in life anymore) i think i'll try to devote the rest of the time to get the readings done.
i'm getting my own car! it's a bit late, i know, but i know a guy who has a friend who is selling his car, and after a few details get worked out, i will have my very own set of wheels. second hand, but i'm not too picky. lol, i'll buy funky seat covers and beads to dangle on the rearview mirror.....wheeeeeeeee!
i didn't have to pay for the library book i lost. i'm charming like that *wink*
but i still have to study! :'-(
okay, after much careful consideration and deliberation, i, hereby known as laura_uncovered, have come to the following, and might i add frightening, conclusion:
i'm in love.
and its with the last boy i would have ever expected.
well, okay, maybe not LOVE-love, but....LIKE-love. the kind that still gives you butterflies whenever you're around HIM and you don't know why because you've known HIM forever and it wasn't supposed to be this way.
you know what i mean?
i don't know how to act around HIM anymore because it's HIM and its not supposed to be like this! i'm not supposed to use my FlirtyDon'tYouJustWantToGetWithMe talk (which, by the way, i only reserve for eye-candy and yummy peices of man pie)when we hang out together and i'm sure as hell not supposed to go over all the details of our conversation and look for deep hidden meanings in the things he casually said to me when i'm alone at night. but i do-- all of it! oh god, the last time we were together i spent the whole night watching his mouth. HIM! of all people, why HIM!?
god, i sound so much like a character in one of my stories that i want to slap myself for being so cliche! UGHHHHH!
he's not even my type! really, he's not! but lately....i don''t know.....lately....he's just been...well...HIM...and lately that's been enough.
this is pathetic. really it is. i'm pining . since when have i ever pined ? and i don't even know how he feels! and i can't ask HIM because that would just go and ruin everything and things would never be the same. and i love talking to HIM. i don't know when it happened, but i do. he's interesting and funny in a way that i never realized until now. and he has this ridiculously cute laugh. and i make him laugh! he actually gets my humour! and i like the way his hair is always in his eyes even though he's constantly pushing it back. i've always liked guys with shaved heads and now i like the fact that his hair is long enough to be in his face? what the hell is up with that????
Ms.Therapist is having a field day with this one. she's kinda been my co-conspirator. i'm serious. we kinda have these weekly meetings about how i'm going to wheel him in and make him succumb to my charms. she says that he's into me, or at least that she knows for sure that he has been into me at one time or another in the past, but i don't know how reliable that information really is. my sister is somewhat...biased, shall we say. she's wanted me with him since the days i still played with Barbies. i actually think its her fault i'm in this situation to begin with. i think she may have been talking to me in my sleep, putting ideas in my head like those crazy voodoo witch doctors and hypnotist guru's.
it's the only plausible explanation, clearly.
i just spent an entire post ranting about HIM.
i am losing my mind.
or in a serious state of LIKE-love.
Went shopping today (what else is new?) in Birmingham. Bought British clothes so that I can rock my British style when I get back home.
I've been enjoying myself, but I feel as if it's time for me to get back home. I don't know why. I miss my mother. I miss my father. Ms.Therapist needs me and I need my MankuPanku. Hell, I even miss my uni (can't believe I just said that...!). I can't believe I'm home sick. I'm NEVER homesick. But I don't know....seeing M&M with their friends and family makes me miss mine and appreciate them so much more. And there's something that just has to be said for the NORMALCY of North America. I used to think that England was the place I wanted to be, but I'm not sure why anymore.
I have "body issues". Yuck.
This keyboard is PISSING ME OFF!!!!!! Some of the keys are different from the ones back home and other ones are switched around and it's screwing up my typing to the point where I'm constantly looking down at the keyboard while I type and hitting the delete button every couple of seconds. Very annoying.
So annoying, in fact, that I simply cannot deal with trying to type anything more.
Tue, May. 24th, 2005, 11:47 pm
You know, I thought I felt like updating but apparently I don't.
Life is good.
Seriously, you know when you just feel...relief?
I handed in my assignment yesterday. I freaked out for a little while because my printer was not working and Ms.Therapist and the SmokeKing's printer was out of ink. But I went over to SmartOne's and printed it at her house. It was nice because we got to catch up for a little while.
I decided to do the UnMentionable after I come back from London (six days and counting!). Kingston was a bust. What a waste of time. But after I came back the new guy was pretty cool so I actually feel kind of good about it. I would have liked to get it over with before I left but maybe its better this way because I wont be as stressed and I can sort of just relax now and concentrate on my trip.
I told ShellBelle. She was actually really cool about it and I feel so much better about everything. I think we're going out on Tuesday.
My room's clean! Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
There's a family that just got their immigration and they're going to stay with us until they can find a place of their own. I'm not too happy about that but maybe it won't be so bad and they'll actually be really cool. We don't know them, so that's wierd, but they are part of Loonie's in-laws. At least I'll only be hear for another week and they'll probabally be gone by the time I get back.
That came out really mean, didn't it?
Meh, I'll get over it.
Still haven't talked to R (::shakes head at own incompetence::)
Just got home from Ms.Therapist and the SmokeKing's.
The weekend was....productive. Almost done my paper! I swear, this is the first time I'm almost done an assignment a week before it's due....I'm such a procrastinator usually.
Going to Kingston (early) tomorrow morning to do TheUnmentionable. Fourth time's the charm?
I hate lying.
So why do I do it so much?
I still have to figure out my plans for London (12 days and counting!) I have no idea who's going to pick me up from the airport and where I'm going to stay before I go to Leicester...or HOW I will be getting to Leicester for that matter. I keep putting it off and I know its going to end up biting me in the ass. At first I thought R was going to and I was going to stay with them for a while but i haven't talked to him in ages and now apperently he has "a real job" so that just makes things all the more complicated. I will call him...tomorrow. I swear.
It was nice to spend some time with Ms.Therepist. I haden't seen her all week and we finally got a chance to "bond". But the thing is, whenever I spend time with her we always end up pigging out and I totally fucked over my diet today. Meh. I'll start again tomorrow.
My room is still a mess.
I avoided it for the weekend but I have to face it again tonight. U is gone so the guestroom is empty but the sheets still haven't been changed so I'm not sleeping on that bed...for hygienic reasons, of course.
I'm not always such a freak, I swear.
Okay, so maybe I am.
Mom and Dad are all upset over the Loonie situation. Loonie called me today at Ms.Therapist's to design Putz#2
's birthday invitations and Mom and Dad freaked out because she's been avoiding them since TheSituationWhichShallNotBeNamed. Then Mr.Denzel called me when I got home and Mom started talking to him and she broke down in tears while on the phone. She's really hurt by the fact that Loonie still talks to Ms.Therapist and me but not her and dad even though they've (tried) to be supportive of her since everything went down.
Family. Drama. Sucks. Ass.
And it's even worse if you're caught in the middle.
How the hell do you choose between sisters and parents? It's impossible.
Almost as impossible as finding a really good guy. But that's another story.
One I don't feel like getting into right now.